diaries ii

I guess I should stop looking out for you, like I always do. When will you start looking out for me too instead of leaving me staring at my shoes? (Joy Again, Looking out for you)  

i don't know how to distinguish love and i don't know what a friend is. seriously. what is it? i only know how to love like a mother. waiting for you to say my name for the first time taking pictures of your first steps kissing your knees after your first fall on a bicycle. an indescribable and unique love that suddenly defines me: i only know how to love like a mother loves. yet i'm childless and you're all grown up. will you still love me when i burn the dinner in the oven after a long day of work? because i swear i will still love you even if you don't tell me about your first kisses out of shame even if you sneak away from my house at midnight and don't share a beer with me but with your first girlfriend. i don't know how to love like a friend loves a friend. it echoes and weighs me down: i won't ever stop loving you and i will be stuck as a mum for the rest of my life. i will cry at night when you can't see me because i can't bear the burden of life passing by of my own solitude of the thought of you never loving me back like i do love you. and that's ok. and you will be ok. because i hope to be a good mother (and maybe a good friend).

diaries i

I don't know how, but I am taller. It must be something in the water

– Phoebe Bridgers, Garden Song

samuel beckett did not write in his mother tongue because he sought to distance himself from the concrete but i am just a coward trying to mask her talent in other parts of the world

i've been running for so long now i don't know if i'm trying to find myself or just running away from who i am (but what who where the fuck am i?) i thought i would have at least halfway figured it out at 21. who knows though, it's always fun to chase shadows on the u6 or the Giralda and getting bits of the life i wish i could stop staring at from the sidelines

yet now the only thing i know that i didn't know at 17 is that we both share english as a second tongue and how fascinating it is to translate thoughts and emotions and how scary it is to move and leave behind versions of ourselves that we don't even know if we'll ever see again

i wanted to be a poet have a dog and I wanted to have a house on the top of the mountain when i grew up; now i've learned that you want a house on the beach; i've learned that you want a house where I left my home and myself behind and you do want children (even if we are both still kids! even if our childhoods are incomplete! what a scary world) (what a wrecked one too) (but it'd have been lonesome if you hadn't been there) (oh how i love the brief moments of human connection)